I am not a therapist. I am simply a woman who has questioned her experience of sex.
I consulted therapists but I found no one who would acknowledge my experiences until I read ShereHite and later Alfred Kinsey. They described my situation so exactly that I wondered why no one had told me about their findings about female orgasm.
The findings of Kinsey and Hite are as relevant today as when they were published:
• Men are much more sexual than women (as measured by the incidence of orgasm)
• Female orgasm is most easily and reliably achieved through masturbation alone
• The vagina plays a more significant role in male arousal than in female arousal
Around half of the women in their samples admitted that intercourse was non-orgasmic. Yet because of some women’s defensiveness there is no acceptance that it is perfectly normal for a woman to never orgasm by intercourse or by any means.
You only need to talk to a handful of men to establish that men masturbate regularly and orgasm easily with a partner. When you talk to a similar number of women you find that most of them do not masturbate and only some of them orgasm during sex.
So orgasm is not an essential aspect of every woman’s sexuality and does not define the ‘norm’. A parallel is fetishes, which are not part of every man’s sexuality. So a man is not classified as ‘sexually dysfunctional’ just because he doesn’t have a fetish.
Likewise a woman can have sex and get pregnant without ever having an orgasm.
Sometimes it is suggested that a woman needs to compensate for a lack of clitoral stimulation. But no one ever acknowledges that if clitoral stimulation worked as penile stimulation works then women would not need to be told. A woman could stimulate herself directly rather than settling for a lover thumping against her groin.
What is ‘sexual intercourse’? It’s important to differentiate between reproduction and how we enjoy sexual pleasure. Lesbians focus sexual pleasuring on the clitoris. Gay men enjoy receiving anal sex. Why do heterosexuals focus on vaginal intercourse?
Even though rarely trying for a baby, intercourse focuses on male orgasm. Intercourse is less explicit than other forms of genitally-focused sex play and is also relatively effortless for a woman. Mutual masturbation and oral sex both involve more work.